Have you ever said to yourself (or thought), “Why am I still thinking about my Ex? Why can’t I get over my Ex? I don’t care anymore! But I do…” Like many others who have experienced heartbreak, you want your heart to fully heal so that you can let go of the past, and move on with your life.
Yet, still obsessed with your ex? Well, It’s not just you…
Relationships are one of the most exciting things in life, and understanding exactly what you want out of them makes them much more thrilling. And sometimes when it goes south, you both might just decide to put a lid on it—take a break or end it. But the way everyone handles the breakup is different. For some, it’s just like turning a different page open because the last one got filled up, while for others, breaking up can be the exact opposite. Like it’s just impossible.
You see, nothing is permanent in life. And since we’re all wired differently, some find it almost impossible to move on with their lives and get over their ex. And if you fall into this category, you’re not totally alone. Below are some of the most common reasons why it’s harder for some(you) to move on from a breakup:
1. Your Body needs Time to heal
Your brain reacts to a breakup the same way it does to pain from physical injury. And like every injury, your body needs time to adjust to the idea of being apart and accepting the truth that it’s totally over. While you’re still trying to make sense of the fact that you’ve truly broken up, you’re probably still trying to understand what happened. You might still find lingering feelings attached because you still cannot seem to place a finger around what went wrong, where it did and how much you contributed to warrant the breakup.
2. You truly think your ex was the best option you could ever get
According to Counselor Sheryl Paul, M.A., one of the most common reasons you can’t get over your ex and move on from the relationship is that you have actually convinced yourself that your ex was your only “perfect” partner and that no one will ever measure up to them. She termed this as “Idealization.” So, we tend to lose sight of the fact that it’s totally over and truly let go.
Coach Cherlyn Chong, a transformational specialist helping breakup victims recover explains that our minds adopt a fixed state when we find ourselves thinking about our exes and how they were the best we could ever get. By doing that, we place a self-defeating attitude on ourselves.
Remember that you always have a chance of falling in love and finding a partner better than your ex. We have many types of soul mates, and not all are meant to be in our lives forever. Nothing is stopping you from finding a brand new love.
3. You’re still obsessed about your ex to let go
You caught your partner cheating once (or almost did), had no evidence to back your claim and so you couldn’t bring yourself to fully trust him again. Now, to beat him at his game, you probably went fishing and finally settled on using phone spyware apps like XnSpy to monitor his chats and location. Hold on, you’re not alone either.
According to a blog post by Social pilot, statistics show that over 500 million messages are sent daily using Twitter alone. You see, technology has made it easier than ever to peek in the mind of your partner without being noticed. Maybe it is normal to use all the same passwords in your family, or a communal computer that automatically logs you in to others’ personal accounts, or share your location with one another through Apple’s “Find My Friends” feature.
Apps with spyware abilities can monitor your partner’s text and social messages, eavesdrop and record their phone calls, steal data like private photos and videos, track their location and even access their financial accounts. And your access to these records keeps a lasting impression in your mind making it difficult to let go.
4. You’ve lost your identity in the relationship
Licensed clinical psychologist Roxy Zarrabi, Psy.D., in an interview with Mbg says, “Losing your identity and/or your support system while in your prior relationship can be really hard to move on. You don’t know who you are anymore without your ex. So, focusing on restoring your sense of self during the grieving process while building a brand new, strong support system that isn’t dependent on a romantic partner could help you move on past the trauma associated with the break-up.
5. You haven’t properly grieved
According to Zarrabi, “The tendency, when people experience a loss, of trying to avoid or push away those painful feelings that came as a result of the breakup, is very much possible. But, ultimately, doing so will only prolong the healing process.”
“One most common way people cope when dealing with breakup is by drowning their sorrows in alcohol or self-educating in other ways,” says John Kahal, a mental health and addiction expert, also the founder of Capo by the Sea Rehab in San Juan Capistrano, California. “Getting drunk to numb the traumatic feel you faced is never a permanent solution as it only prolongs the amount of time it’d take for you to get over the breakup. It only becomes a comfortable way to avoid feelings of loneliness and numb out the feeling of sadness while the pain of a split is still fresh, he adds.
According to them, instead of trying to push the feelings away, getting drunk unnecessary with alcohol, or falsely pretending to be fine, Zarrabi and Kahal strongly emphasize the importance of processing and confronting post-breakup feelings. Kahal suggested trying out a little alcohol detox and giving yourself a little bit of time to feel and process the emotions the breakup brought on you, mentally and emotionally. This can help you see things from a different angle and also bring some soothing closure, which is essential to the process of moving on.”
6. You secretly think that you should suffer
According to Chong, unresolved negative beliefs originating from your past, whether as a result of emotionally immature parents or other ex-partners, may be stuck in the mindset that you deserve to suffer. And having these is inadvertently prolonging your own healing process post-breakup.
“Sometime, it could be that you’ve actually become so familiar with suffering that your body and mindset becomes addicted to smoking,” says Chong. At other times, you might even see suffering as the only thing left from the relationship, and you’re afraid that if you let it go, you won’t have anything left of the relationship. In other words, it feels good to feel bad.
How to Tread in the Future?
Breakups are bad. But, relationships that end on a note of infidelity are the worst. Being cheated on leaves you with terrible doubts in your head. Not only are such breakups tougher to get over with, but they also mess up your future relationships.
If you have experienced infidelity in the past and if your new relationship makes you uncomfortable, here’s how you can move past that by adding more transparency to your relationship.
- Explain to your partner the need for transparency in your relationship
- Introduce a process of consensual monitoring
Introducing Transparency in a Relationship Through Consensual Monitoring
As hinted earlier, Xnspy is used everywhere to keep tabs on partners, kids, and employees. The app can be installed on any smartphone. Once done, Xnspy can remotely back up all phone activity. Let’s see how this can work:
Both Partners to Install Monitoring Apps on Each Other’s Phones Through Consent
This can be overbearing for your partner, i.e., to be on the watch, especially if they are not on board with transparency. Xnspy or similar monitoring apps can give partners details of every tiny phone activity, so it’s important to discuss the dos and don’ts.
- Not every person would be comfortable with their partner listening in on their phone calls or surroundings. If so, you can manually turn off phone recording from your Xnspy account.
- Not every private conversation is about infidelity. Everyone likes to keep their chats with their best friends or corporate emails to themselves. Knowing you can read every text of your partner is not comfortable for most people. Cut your partner some slack if they say no to this.
- Similarly, many partners wouldn’t be comfortable with their significant other watching over their photos, videos, or browsing history.
However, for any phone activity that could directly link to instances of infidelity, both partners can mutually agree to have no reservations there with monitoring. For instance:
- To verify if your partner hasn’t downloaded apps like Tinder or Grindr on their phones to secretively swipe behind you.
- To monitor each other’s daily location.
- To confirm your partner isn’t hiding apps or multimedia on their phone.
- To ensure they aren’t deleting texts or emails. With a monitoring app like Xnspy, you can be certain of that.
Tread carefully and consensually. If your partner isn’t comfortable with an element of phone monitoring, you both can agree to skip it.